Just the other day I was pumping gasoline When I was ready to go I ripped the whole damn hose Outta that pump machine Later when the cop pulled me over Halfway across the state We asked why I was speeding Where I needed to be I said, "Nowhere. And I'm running late" I hope this feeling lasts all winter I hope it lasts on into the summer It can rain and it can storm, babe It can lightning and it can thunder I ain't ever felt better And I ain't ever been dumber Later, I was feeling hungry So I went down to the nail salon They gotta little chubby statue that's always got fruit I took an apple and I was gone Them ladies are always so upset It must be hard working on toes I keep mine clean and the webs in between Help me float down the river, ya know Some days, life's a big ole toilet And I'm just a real good plumber It may be hot as the dickens outside But I'm cooler than a big cucumber I ain't ever felt better And I ain't ever been dumber Later, I was feeling lonely But I didn't really wanna talk So I went down to the morgue And laid down on a board 'Cause nobody wanted to walk And in the morning I went to church And they handed me a plate of cash I took a buck or two They kicked me outta the pew Hell, even Jesus wants to kick my ass If indeed it's a dream I'm in Don't wake me from my slumber And if ya ever wanna feel a little better Feel like life is a less of a bummer It's in your best interest I suggest you get dumber