What the hell is wrong with me? I'm in a band, ladies can't you see Please don't judge me by the car that I drive Or the fact that I haven't had a date since '95 Come on, don't go away Don't listen to your friends when they that I am gay I try so hard but I just can't get no play Don't have any STDs Come on, I'm begging on my knees Come on get close just ignore the fleas We will take anything that walks . . . Because we're desperate I know I'm not a handsome man Cuz I look like an ogre with a farmer's tan And every time the ladies see me and I'm walking their way They say, "Brian smells, everybody stay away" Oh ladies, can't you see I can't help it because I'm ugly But I'm in a band, don't that count for something Come on now, don't delay Cuz if you don't call then I'll probably rent-a-date And my tab keeps rising, cuz I do it every day Oh ladies, can't you see I'm in a band, why aren't you attracted to me? I don't care if you're underage Just as long as you'll be seen with me in a public place What's it gonna take? (What's it gonna take?) For you help me bake cookies? Doo-Wah-Doo Cuz I need to know I'm all hot and ready And I got to go . . . Because we're Desperate Why oh why must I have this rash No girls talk to me they just step back Should I lift weights? Would that make me more sexual? Maybe wear glasses would that make me intellectual? Come on lets do it fast Cuz I'm all hot and ready and it just wont last And I got 20 dollars what can I get for that?