[Arin:] I got that Joy-Con drift
What did I do to be bestowed this gift
All my controllers are like "Damn I wish
That I could also function like hot shit"
None of my friends understand
They're all like "What the fuck, man!?
This shit is clearly broken, get it repaired"
But they just don't respect
[Dan:] A joystick quirk
Where it doesn't quite work
No, he's not refusing to face it
That he can't afford to replace it
[Arin:] I got that Joy-Con drift it doesn't care if you're goin' straight
My left hand isn't needed to move, so I can masturbate
The camera keeps going crazy but that's okay
I wanted to look up at the sky and slightly left anyway
[Dan:] He doesn't really want that
He just heard if you send your Joy-Cons in to get fixed
You might not get them back
And he can't risk his cute little mint color Animal Crossing sticks
[Arin:] I'm gonna get– woah, woah wait hold on
Hold on, woah
I don't have Animal Crossing sticks
What are you talk– where'd you hear that from?
[Dan:] I heard it from your mother
[Arin:] You know she drinks, right?
[Dan:] Yeah, she told me when we were drunk
Hanging out together
[Arin:] Uh, what?
[Dan:] I think I'm gonna be your new dad
[Arin:] Trevor, what the fuck
I invited you over to help me write this rap and this is how you tell me?
[Dan:] There was no good time
To tell you that I've been dating your mom
I'm sorry, good buddy
I thought that it best that you heard it from me
[Arin:] Um what the fuck! I'm confused more than I have ever been
I kinda forgot about that whole Joy-Con drift thing
It's too much that my best friend is now my patriarch
I wish my dad never died from being ate by a whale shark
[Dan:] I know it's hard to take in
That your mom and I are banging twice a day
Sometimes three times a day
I hope you're not mistaking
That my attempts to bond with you are in a genuine
Fatherly way
[Arin:] I can't believe this
First my Joy-Cons drift
And now my family
Yahhhh!
I can't re-calibrate my dad to be alive
I can't just remove four tri tips to fix insides
The graphite powder in my heart is wearing down
No hall sensing technology will stabilize this meltdown
[Dan:] Listen buddy, I know you're going through a hard
Time so I got you these replacement
Joy-Con sticks. I know they're not the original, but if we
Open up the controller and make sure
We're really respecting the craftsmanship, I'm sure these
New ones, though not perfect
Will give you what you need
[Arin:] Don't got that Joy-Con drift anymore
Because of my stepdad's gift and he swore
That if these Joy-Cons drift once again
That he would fix that shit right then
[Dan:] You know I got you buddy
Just like I got your mom when she said she wants to get reamed
And when you're feeling cruddy
I'll comfort you but not the way I comfort your mom
When she's beggin' for cream
[Arin:] Uh huh. Yep. Thank you for that information. Awesome.
[Dan:] What if I was your Dad, though?
[Arin:] You're not, you're not my dad
[Dan:] OK
