Get it, get it off your chest Get it, get it off your chest Get it off your chest Every year when my son's school sends out their class list with parents' names The first thing I do is Google them To see what they paid for their apartments Get it, get it off your chest Get it, get it off your chest I secretly like almost everything that Goop sells I don't know what to do with batteries So I just throw them in the river I give bigger tips to unattractive people Get it, get it off your chest Get it, get it off your chest I count anxiety dreams as workin' out And I can't count the number of times I called my Alexa a cunt (Neither can we) Sometimes when I'm driving, I close my eyes And count to five, just to see what happens Get it, get it off your chest Get it, get it off your chest I'd like to think I'm a hero But I bet when the apocalypse comes I'll be one of those losers Who needs to be dragged around on a sled I only like people who like me but be careful If you like me too much, it has the opposite effect And I'll find you desperate I don't trust stand-up comics who are too in shape Get it, get it off your chest Get it, get it off your chest I haven't listened to a voice mail since 2013 Okay, here's a genuine question Are all people with red hair and freckles morning people? Because I swear I've never seen one at night Show me a redhead at night! Get it, get it off your chest Get it, get it off your chest I once masturbated in a hospital bed Is it bad that some of the best times I've had with my son Are when he has a little fever? (It's a little bad) He's so calm and cuddly There's a type of euphoria that can only be reached by Dragging a foot with athlete's foot vigorously across a carpet I don't know what escrow means Does anyone know what escrow means? (No idea) Get it, get it off your chest Get it, get it off your chest That's all I have, because I'm perfect No, wait, I lived in Usher's guesthouse for two years He never knew, he never knew Ha!