First, I wake up every morning wasted at the crack of noon Put my Aviators on, then I fix a drinky poo Because I've got a job to do, officer Jim Lahey Doing doughnuts in my Chrysler, mind is hazy maybe crazy I see Bubbles causing troubles with his kitties in the shed And Julian, is sexy but he's messing with my head And Ricky's growing sticky icky living out his car Randy's snacking on those burgers on the buns he's going hard But I love him and his belly, my assistant keeps me calm When I want these trouble makers, Corey, Trevor, J-Rock, gone So I drink and drink some more, stressed out by these hooligans I think about my life, maybe I could me go to school again Ex0wife is on the phone, so blasted I can barely see Pouring out this bourbon for Phil Collins RIP Meet Nova Scotia's finest, trailer park supervisor L A to the H E Y, and no I didn't start that fire I am the liquor I am the peace Nova Scotia's finest, Sunnyvale police It's Officer Jim Leahy Reporting for duty Bo Bandy riding shotgun as I'm squeezing on that booty Knock, knock, Ricky, who's there? Someone who cares The liquor's calling the shots, 6 out of 10 I'm impaired Feeling sloppy stalking Julian, just like the paparazzi (they call me) Drunky the clown, they call me Liquoracci And so I kick back on booze control Watch the scotch do the thinking then I'm good go I stay strapped so don't laugh when I tumble down the stairs I know I'm not a real cop - so ask me if I care? Smashing J-Roc's stereo, as I chug a fifth of whiskey Gone in 30 seconds, getting frisky when I'm tipsy Then I just might pee my pants, pass out on the floor Nothing to see here, Randy please go shut the door Chasing Loonies and Goonies, but I'm just doing my duty Some salute me, some sue me, still sipping shooters, not choosey The alcohol makes me moody up in my vodka jacuzzi So woozy truly consumes me - and then I'm gone, absolutely - peace! I am the liquor I am the peace Nova Scotia's finest, Sunnyvale police It's Officer Jim Leahy Reporting for duty Bo Bandy riding shotgun as I'm squeezing on that booty Ah jeez Mr Lahey, they treat me like a pervert Cause I won't put a shirt on. I'm grilling up the burgers with the Cheese, Mr Lahey! With Bubbles as my hype man You know I'm bout to rumble when I struggle out my white pants Can't knock the hustle when I stand on the street Sex work is real work and a man's gotta eat That wasn't me in the original movie Lucy says the baby's mine and I believe Lucy We hooked up for a few weeks, we broke up it's no big loss I hope it frigged Ricky up 'cause Ricky can frig off Please Mr Lahey, I know we've fought, we both said Nonsense, but I need you and not Ted Johnson I'm your right hand man, even if I'm not so handy I'm handsome - It's you and me, Lahey and Bobandy Friggin' right, and that's how the story goes Shout out to the Dunsworth family and Cory Bowles! I am the liquor I am the peace Nova Scotia's finest, Sunnyvale police It's Officer Jim Leahy Reporting for duty Bo Bandy riding shotgun as I'm squeezing on that booty