When I was just a little lad, I wasn't good for much Me father said I'd always be a slob The girls would tell me you can look, but oh, you'll never touch The boys would look, then punch me in the gob! Well nowadays, some people make a fortune playing sports From running 'round and rolling in the mud But I wouldn't swap me jacket for a racquet and some shorts And I never did enjoy the sight of blood! But I've a friend called Frank Who's working in a bank But lives for his game of rugby With ten left toes And a cauliflower nose He swears that it keeps him young... No! The sporting life is not for me I'd rather be a donkey or a monkey up a tree I'll sweep the street I'll mince the meat Do anything at all But don't make me kick another ball! My teachers always hated me, I was a sickly brat They said, 'You're for the high jump' – and I was! They thought that being tall and thin, I might be good at that But I ran up to the line, and there I 'froz'! But I've a pal called Paul Who loves a cricket ball The sound that it makes on willow He shows no fear And hits one once a year In matches that last that long... No! The sporting life is not for me I'd rather be a donkey or a monkey up a tree I'll sweep the street I'll mince the meat Do anything at all But don't make me kick another ball! There was a time I thought I might have made a bunch of friends They dragged me to a soggy patch of grass They started running 'round and well, you know how this one ends They lost the ball and kicked me up the field! But I've a mate called Mac Who goes to the track And drinks 'til he thinks he's sober He takes his pay And chucks it all away And thinks that he's having fun... No! The sporting life is not for me I'd rather be a donkey or a monkey up a tree I'll sweep the street I'll mince the meat Do anything at all But don't make me kick another ball! Back then your mum would say be careful what you do Don't have to jump around You're not a kangaroo Meanwhile your dad said if they kick you, kick 'em back! And give us all a real good laugh Well, nowadays I've mellowed, and I say just let 'em play And I don't get into quite so many brawls It's wonderful, that there's so many games for kids today That is, providing that they've got the balls Now I've a boy called Bill Who loves to climb a hill And fly down when he's got skis on I've said by heck You'll break yer bloomin' neck But that never stopped no one... No! The sporting life is not for me I'd rather be a monkey or a donkey up a tree I'll sweep the street I'll mince the meat Do anything at all But don't make me kick another ball!