When I heard the NRA was writing big ass checks I went right down to the office and I said, Me next They said Go ye to the school and spread the good news I said I need a bulletproof vest and some good running shoes They said we got those, I said, Cool, where at? They said they're next to the spoons, making everyone fat Now I was rolling my eyes like a rolling stone When Uncle Huckabee called me on the telephone He said I'm raising up money for a people in need I said, of course, Uncle Huck, that strip is starving indeed He said the Lord's at work here, boy, the job ain't done Son, you need Jesus and Jesus needs gun It makes no sense One man's terror is Another man's defense When the Holy Golden Toad spat him out of his mouth The techno-billionaire Goblin was about K-holed out But he left behind Big Balls, like some vestigial tail Well, them balls went to town and got beat all to hell Some days the doging is easy, some days the doging is hard When the doging don't work, you'd better call in the guard The Citrus Caesar and the Thielian Prince Were throwing it all at the wall just to see what would stick Even I got distracted, that weather was bad That was the iciest summer that I've ever had Some days I forget that Cracker Barrels exist But there ain't no one forgetting about that list It makes no sense One man's crime's Another man's intelligence The Nostradamus of Austin cried out to the Lord He said them frogs might be gay, but I'll still be your sword While television anchors talked at the air Does a lie make a noise if there ain't nobody there? There ain't no country for cable, said the wisest of men Baby, crank up the Tucker while I pack me a Zyn It was getting kinda late, so I went back to the morgue They were doing the autopsy of July 4th I said hold the scalpel boys, she ain't dead yet I got a parlay in China, we can still win the bet The technician was drunk on muskadine wine He said I'm going to Mars, I said good riddance, goodbye It makes no sense You can leave if you want but All your problems go with