I was
Yes I was
Descending the Stiperstones

When I
Recalled the order from home
To pick up a
To pick up a
To pick up a
To pick up a
To pick up a jar of Swarfega

And so returning to the car at Snailbeach, I set off in 
the direction of Montgomery, where I was more than 
certain my need would be met by Bunner the chandler who 
sold everything. Entering the store, I nodded to an 
assistant and hurried to the back area of the shop 
where I could browse in comfort amongst the organised 
chaos, and marvel at the fact that should it be my 
desire, I could return home with a Ben Sayers four-
iron, a brush doormat bearing the slogan "Cofiwch 
Dryweryn", and an oil painting by Mercy Rimell entitled 
"The Raging Ostler" ...in addition to the Swarfega, 
which I finally located on a shelf, next to a box of 
Hussars, who, in spite of their dusty neglect, appeared 
primed and ready for Old Boney. Also in this room was a 
selection of doll's houses, and standing next to a 
particularly detailed property called the Franklin was 
the actress Lynette McMorrough, who used to play Glenda 
in Crossroads. As I'd been a bit of a fan of the 
programme, I couldn't help but engage her in 
conversation, initially regarding the magnificent 
craftsmanship on show, before rather awkwardly turning 
the chat onto Kevin's affair, test tube babies, and the 
tragic death of her dad, who was knocked down by a car 
whilst stumbling home drunk from a triumphant bowls 
tournament. The crazy world of Arthur Brownlow. Anyway, 
my fawning gibberish and jar of Swarfega didn't seem to 
faze her in any way, and she told me of her loneliness 
and yearning for those heady days at ATV, and in 
essence what she was trying to do was re-create her 
Glenda life through a plastic doll, and such was the 
stock at Bunner's, she had managed over the years to 
acquire figures resembling not only that of herself, 
but the rest of the family, and by purchasing the 
Franklin, there would be enough space for everyone and 
they wouldn't all be cooped up in the same room 
watching the one television set. "All you need now is 
the car that knocked down Pop", I joked, but to my 
astonishment she told me she had it on order, along 
with his bag of woods. Somewhat disturbed, I tried to 
bring the meeting to a conclusion, but she was warming 
to the situation, and revealed to me her ultimate 
intention was to replace her own doll's plastic with 
tofu, as the malleability of such a substance presented 
the opportunity to belly herself up, as it were, when 
she became pregnant. In my haste to leave the store, I 
crashed into a Davenport, a drip-free teapot and a 
mannequin dressed up as Warden Hodges.

I was
Yes I was
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
A phallic watering can, a packet of Triffid seeds, an 
ice rink for a model village, crucifixion nails, a pair 
of polo-necked jeans, a jar of language pills, a jigsaw 
of Nazi war criminals, post-apocalyptic Allen keys, a 
written curse of a witch from Oswestry, a signed 
photograph of former players' agent Eric Hall - 
monster, monster. I fled towards the church looking for 
sanctuary; found only Spencer The Halfwit, sniggering 
the 46th Psalm.
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones