So...now you know why I can't be the President of the 
United States. Because I would snap like this eighteen 
thousand times a day. From the first get-go in the 
morning . "Mr. President?" "WHAAAT?? Get Air Force One, 
I want to blow some shit up. And get Harrison Ford and 
put him on the plane, I want to beat him up, I'm pissed 
off at him."

When I'm president, boy things are gonna change. Oh 
yeah, oh yeah. Things are gonna change when I'm the 
President of the United States. Yep, my domestic 
policy? Fuck you. My foreign policy? Fuuuuuuuuuck you! 
Here's something else . when I'm President of the 
United States, all you assholes who ride bikes in the 
city? Lock 'n load, okay? You're going down. Yeah, what 
the FUCK are you people thinking about, eh? You wanna 
ride a bike in the city, move to China, go ahead. Eat 
some rice for the rest of your life. Are you fucking 
insane, riding a bike around the middle of Manhattan 
traffic, huh? There's no speed limit in New York, have 
you noticed that? Have you ever seen a speed limit sign 
in Manhattan? No, they don't exist! Red lights here 
mean stop if you want to! Last guy who got a speeding 
ticket in Manhattan was the guy who crashed his plane 
into the Empire State Building back in 1937. Wake the 
fuck up and smell the maple nut crunch!

They drive me fuckin' nuts! Have you had that 
experience, where you're getting out of a cab and you 
open the door and a bike guy smashes into the car door? 
And then he gives you that attitude, "Hey man, that's 
my space!" No it isn't, it's the space for the door to 
fuckin' open, asshole! They got their little spandex 
pants on, their little gloves, and they're riding 
around, "I have the right to ride my bike right in the 
middle of traffic. And I have my little 
whistle...WHEET, WHEET..." I have a horn, HONK HONK, 
you're dead!

And you roller-blading assholes...lock 'n load. Lock 
and load. With your pink spandex and your headphones 
on, dancing, doing the hustle in the middle of traffic. 
Make up your mind, dance or drive, okay asshole? Just 
make a decision.

Fuck...I don't get it. Why not just put on clown pants 
and ride a unicycle down the middle of Fifth Avenue, 
"Hey, look at me!" Why don't you parasail down 
Broadway, "Hey! Look at me! I have the right to do 
this!!" "No, you don't...SNIP, SNIP, CRASH...Happy 
now!"

You seen the cops, who have to ride the bikes? Oh, 
aren't they the saddest looking motherfuckers? Oh, man! 
Oh, there's not one happy one in the whole city, man. 
They're totally bummed out. You know they come from 
families full of cops, right . their dad was a cop, 
their grandfather was a cop, they dreamed of being a 
cop their whole life. They go to the academy, they're 
waiting for that graduation day to get all that stuff. 
Then that graduation day comes, and it's "Here's a 
badge, a bike, and a pair of shorts. Stop crime, go 
ahead. You want more stuff, here's some white socks and 
some flip-flops. Go ahead, stop crime. You want a 
siren? Make one with your mouth." 
"Reeeeoooooreeee...oh, man, this sucks. Ooooooh...I'm 
not stopping any crimes, man. I don't care if somebody 
gets killed right in front of me, I'm not stopping. I'm 
just gonna ride my bike for eight hours and go home. 
I'm not gonna meet any chicks this way. Oh..."

I'm waiting to get stopped by one of those guys, man, 
in my truck. 'Cause I'm not stopping. He pulls up next 
to me, "Pull over"...Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."You're 
not a cop, you're a bike asshole." "Fuckin' Leary...I 
hate you..."

Bike asshole. I'm a bike cop. That one makes me laugh. 
Another thing when I'm President, by the way, if you 
want to join the military . any branch...Army, Air 
Force, Marines, Navy . once you join, you can fuck 
whoever you want. Other soldiers, superior officers, I 
don't give a flying fuck . fuck your brains out, go 
ahead! You have my permission. As long as you want to 
kill the enemy, you can have sex with anything you 
want. Go ahead! "Well I like to fuck other guys." 
"Here's another guy and a gun...go! Go!" "I like to 
fuck sheep." "Here's a sheep and a HumVee...go!" "I 
like to fuck watermelons." "Here's a watermelon and a 
gun...go! Go! Go!!" Fuck 'em, kill 'em, and eat 'em, 
boys...go ahead!!