Been to Vegas lately, any of you? Because I was there
for a couple of weeks, when we were on the tour. Yeah,
okay. You know what I noticed in Vegas? I noticed this
one little thing: we have some fat fucking people in
this country. It is out of control. Have you seen them,
sitting at the slot machines? They're so fat the stool
is up their ass, and they have food delivered, and they
eat and play the slots. NOM NOM NOM . CLANG . NOM NOM
NOM . CLANG Eating money...they fart, stools fly across
the room. These people make Elvis look anorexic. You
know who I'm talking about? Stop eating!
And I am fed up with the, uh, the little denial phrases
they have, too, y'know? "I'm not fat, I'm husky."
Uh...yeah. "I'm portly." Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "I'm
stout." Okay, okay, okay... "I'm big-boned." You're
big-ASSED, okay? Dinosaurs as big-boned! Put the fork
down.
Y'know, we gotta do something, because we all have fat
people in our families. And y'know what, if we don't
stop them soon, they're gonna just start blowing up, I
swear to God. Or we're going to have a country full of
sumo wrestlers, either way.
And they keep finding more denial stuff. There's a
doctor now...would like to see what size he is...a
doctor in L.A. who came up with a theory that being fat
is actually a virus. Oh, I guess I'm the asshole here,
right? Because every other virus we know about is a
flesh-eating virus, right? The common cold, the AIDS,
the cancer. But he's found the one that makes you
bigger? Okay...okay, yep, yep, yep. That's all that fat
person in each family needs. Now we're at Thanksgiving
with that fat person. "Well, I'm not actually
overeating...NOM NOM NOM NOM...I'm trying to keep the
virus at bay...NOM NOM NOM NOM..."
Look, I'm trying to help you here. You have a choice .
it's either me or Richard Simmons coming over to your
house. He's going to cry and shave his legs...I think
you want me, I really do. I think I'm the better
choice. And there are definitely signs, folks, that you
should stop eating. Let's make that very clear.
Remember the seven thousand pound guy in Long Island a
couple years ago, had chest pains and they had to cut a
wall out of the house to get him to the hospital?
Folks, that's the first sign, okay? When you're calling
the construction crew before you call the hospital,
stop fuckin' eating! "Honey, I'm having chest pains .
knock this wall down here...yeah, get a crane and a
dumpster to take me to the hospital then...and call
ahead to the hospital, get some walls taken out over
there...and get me a dozen donuts, 'cuz this fuckin'
virus is killing me, it really is."
See, I could never be a fat guy, I'll tell you why. One
simple reason, okay? The first day I wake up, and I
can't see my dick? I stop eating, okay! "Honey, I can't
see my dick...get the dog some food...I'm going to
Ethiopia...I can't see it! can you see it? I can't feel
it!" I'd freak. I have to see my dick first thing in
the morning. It's the kind of relationship we have,
wake up first thing . "Hey! How you doing?" "Great! How
you doing?" "Terrific! You wanna jerk off now?" "Yeah,
why not?"
Oh yeah...jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me
now. I'm forty, I do it every day. Every day. I've even
gone beyond porno . I'm back to regular TV. Oh yeah, oh
yeah! Hoooo-yeah! People wonder why Caroline in the
City is getting such big ratings? I'll tell ya why...I
know why.
I love my dick. My dick loves me. Love my balls,
too...it's kind of a love triangle thing we've got
going on. I love my dick more than my balls, but don't
tell my balls that, because that would bum my balls
out. But...let President Leary clarify that last
statement. I love my dick, but I'm no John Wayne
Bobbitt...y'know what I mean? Like if my wife cuts my
dick off, I'm not telling anybody, okay? Nobody's
finding out. I don't care if the cops show up at my
house WITH the dick..."Nope, not mine. No, no, no. No,
I never had a dick, I'm a eunuch. 'No-Dick Leary',
that's my nickname. I'm actually saving up to buy a
vagina, that's what I'm doing right now. Thanks for
dropping by, fellows. CLANG!!!"
I also want to make an announcement . that I am pro-tit
all the way, okay? President Leary . pro-tit all the
way. I love tits. I would like to be the mayor of tit
town, if I could, okay? I would like to drive a big
truck full of tits down the tit turnpike, right into
the middle of tit town. I'd like to have my own talk
show about tits . Tit Talk, okay? That's how passionate
I am about the tits. I love 'em all. But I think I
actually love the small tits better than the big tits,
because the big tits get all the attention. I love
those little small, little fuckin' peach- and plum-
shaped little hand-sized tits . they're great! I love
to look at 'em, "How you doing?" Talk to 'em, "What's
going on? Look at me! I got my face next to a tit!"
Men are mollified by tits. We don't know why, we just
are. We don't even have to see naked tits to get
mollified. We just freeze up, even at the sight of
cleavage. Waitress leans over the table the wrong way?
OH! That's how we can end war . get the Goodyear Blimp,
paint it up like a big tit, put a nipple on it. Fly
over the Middle East during a confrontation..."Look at
the tit! Look at the tit! The tit!!"
