Playing pool and drinking beer 
Nothin more'n the 
occasional tear 
But this man's life goes on 
and he gets 
greased all over 
from time to time 
At the strip joint, where we met 
He said 'Hi, my name is Ted 
See that one over there 
That ball of thunder 
Every time she goes Vavoom, 
I wiggle in my chair 
Can I buy you a beer? 
What a guy 

'I've had a few myself' he said 
'But I never quit when I'm ahead 
Too many rules and regulations 
Stupid laws designed by fools behind closed doors 
And another thing I won't discuss is religion 
It always causes a fight 
Vavoom 
There she goes again 
'How does she do that' said Ted 

And he told me 
of those unjustices (that) 
He had suffered in his life 
His wife and kids 
and boss and dogs 
and neighbours 
Raising cain and causing strife 
They were forever whining 
Bleating howling yapping screeching moaning crying 
Vavoom 
He fed them well 
He keep them warm 

Thing about Ted 
he didn't really care 
Nothing much got in his hair 
and the beauty of it was 
that he was right 
He was big as a truck 
and fast as a door 
(what's that?) 
he was always right 

The banjo player took a hike 
What's that song 
I used to like 
Vavoom 
He was big as a truck 
Fast as a door - Ted 
Ted the man our Ted