Gather ye 'round and I'll tell you a tale Of all the great times I've had with an ale There's joy and there's glory, more than you can think Yes, this is what happens to me when I drink! I pee my pants! my pants! I pee my pants I get up from the bar to find pee on my pants! I say it's water, but all it takes is a glance For people to realize I peed my pants! Wow, I did not know it was that bad Yes, wine can be fun - white, rosé and red 'Till I call up my boss to say I wish he was dead Chase down the regret with some gin for good luck Then steal my cousin Jim's landscaping truck Drive home then I puke on my cat, my cat! I puke on my cat I fall through the doorway and puke on my cat Poor little Bruno did not expect that I try for the toilet but puke on my cat! While some can enjoy a scotch with a steak Or one glass of wine, then they're barely awake For me it's much different what happens when I try to have one, it just turns into ten And then... I fly a plane, a plane! I fly a plane I knock on the cockpit shouting, "I'll fly this plane!" We emergency landed, the TSA came Now I'm banned from southwest 'cause I try to fly planes! Everybody! He has sex with a bush, a bush! he has sex with a bush! That wasn't a woman? No it was a bush! It had twigs and leaves 'cause it was a bush! That's where that scar comes from! From sexing a bush! But he's breaking the cycle and making a push! He's quitting his drinking And saving his pants and his cat and southwest and Jim's truck And my car My car too! And a bush!