Ho Ho Ho Ho! There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree Gussied up candy canes and balls Those carolers have kept me up for hours It's Merry Christmas seeping through my walls Now I'm no wiccan commie or nothing But there's one damn holiday that I can't stand It ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools But it'll surely make a fool out of every man HA If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas You know where to stick those jingle bells If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah And all you motherfuckers go to hell If I ain't cockeyed then it Kwanzaa Joy to the world and jack and coke If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas Cause I never anything but broke Now every year the malls are just a madhouse Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit And those colored lights are fucking infantile I think we collectively as the people Should rise against this corporate jolly noise And tell the world: "Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change" Before we spend it all on fucking toys. HA So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas You know where to stick those jingle bells If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah Fa la la la la go fuck yourself! If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa Joy to the world of getting stoned If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone. HA MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!