Officer, good evening, allow me to explain The spectacle you see beside this road. It's been a long, hard day, and I am just a victim Of circumstances beyond my control. Now let me just assure you that I'm not a drinkin' man; I work hard to uphold the law. Those people in that other car are friends of my ex-wife, And no matter what they told you they saw... The car was upside down when I got here; I left it right side-up some time ago. Some kids drove by and poured somethin' all down my shirt; It might have been tequila, I don't know. I stepped into the woods for a midnight prayer, I don't know what went down while I was not here, But that stop sign was on the hood when I bought the car, And the car was upside down when I got here. Officer, my reputation speaks for itself, I'm as innocent and gentle as a child. That fistfight with my mama, that was three months ago; I can't believe that's still on my file. Now a conscientious peacekeeper such as yourself Must surely recognize an honest guy, And since most of my money goes to charitable causes, I can't afford a DWI...