At the early age of three
It first occurred to me
A girl should always try to improve herself.
While the others played with toys,
I practiced charm and poise
And finished Dr. Eliot's Five Foot Shelf,
I exercised each morning,
Cold-creamed my face each night,
Saw my dentist twice a year,
Curbed my appetite,
And so I modestly admit
It didn't help one single bit!
Some girls can make any man dream
By flashing an innocent gleam.
Me, I do a hiccup,
Curl my upper lip up,
Light a roman candle and scream.
I have to do it the hard way!
Some girls can wear any old rags
And capture the wolves and the stags.
Me, I dress in sables,
Walk across the tables
Waving three American flags.
I have to do it the hard way!
Let's say there's a dance,
They're playing a waltz
And I want romance...
That's when I begin turning somersaults.
Some girls can keep men on their toes
By smiling and throwing a rose.
Me, I wrack my noodle
Whistle "Yankee Doodle",
Balancing a broom on my nose
Oh I'm a-telling you why
I have to do it the hard way!
I have to do it the hard way!
Suppose there's a park
A boy on a bench
I'm out for a lark
So I make him fall with a monkey wrench.
When someone like Hedy Lamarr
Steps into the swankiest bar
All the fellas get up
Light her cigarette up
Me, I'd have to smoke a cigar
And then they call me a car.
Doin' everything the hard way!
Doctor, is there a chance for me?
Can't you cure this insanity?
I'm tired of tearing up the town being one of the sights
Wearing funny hats trimmed in neon lights.
Why must all I always be bettered and scorned
Doin' everything the hard way?
---
Verses not Included on this version:
My freshman year in college
I remember I was mild
I wore pretty clothes, got an A in Geometry
A normal child
But nobody wanted to date me
I'd sit at home and dream
So in order to get attention
I had to scream
The fellas liked girls who wore perfurme
So I bought Forbidden Flower
But I had to mix it with ether
To get them in my power
I didn't want to go crazy
But I ain't kidding, Jack
Since that time I'm telling you I'm
A raving, ranting, impetuous, panning, violent maniac
The girls who read books and wear specs
Get fellas with great intellects
Me, I get fanatics
Guys who live in attics
Yes, I even pick up the checks
I have to do it the hard way
