Well, I've heard he's into leather and what they both do when they're together
The curtains twitch in suburbia tonight
And I've heard that they're not real brothers 'cause she went with another
Taproom gossip in suburbia tonight

'Cause the mother's maids and he does the rounds
Hasn't Sheila Jackson piled on the pounds?
It wouldn't spread much quicker if you put it on the internet

What's goin' on at #34? Kev says there's bodies buried underneath the floor
But this ain't murder, it's just granocide
Can you believe that Keely's with him again?
A clever lass but she's daft when it comes to men
Walls have ears and there's nowhere to hide

And in the corner shop, all the rumors start
With the dirty looks and the sly remarks
It wouldn't spread much quicker if you put it on the internet

She's had a black one, she's had a white one, she's a had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist buyin' oral contraception
I'm tellin' ya it's true 'cause my cousin is her best friend

Have you heard that Sue's expectin'? Mark says 'cause Don had text him
Chinese whispers, spies in Mothercare
Apparently he's off the wagon, he's been seen in the George & Dragon
Put your eyes back in, don't you know it's rude to stare?

As all the peaceful people sleep in decent beds
In preparation for another day of decentness
If that's so decent, then I'll be something else

She's had a black one, she's had a white one, she's a had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist buyin' something for the weekend
I'm tellin' ya it's true 'cause my cousin is her best friend

Black one, she's had a white one, she's a had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist buyin' something for the weekend
I'm tellin' you it's true 'cause my cousin is her best friend

She's had a black one, she's had a white one, she's a had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist buyin' oral contraception
It can't be for her husband 'cause he can't get an erection

Black one, she's had a white one, she's a had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist buyin' something for the weekend
I'm tellin' ya it's true 'cause my cousin is her best friend