Got off the red high special from London,
I'd been over there four or five weeks,
Playin' gigs all over the place 
From Inverness to Southend-On-Sea,
And me mates at the gate were waitin', 
"G'day Kev" they all shouted in chorus,
I said "Hang on you blokes now look this is not a joke 
But you's can't call me Kev anymore",
And they said "What? Fuckin' what?!"
Gotta call me Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass
Changed me name a bit since I seen you's last,
But I ain't changed I just changed me name,
To Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass..

At first they thought I was jokin', 
But they know I don't tell 'em porky pies 
I said, "You'll be trippin' on your tongue for a couple'a months
But you'll get used to sayin' it after a while,
Then the cans in the hands started shakin',
As they slipped from their grip and hit the floor,
I said I'm thinkin' 'bout this I'm not takin' the piss
You just can't call me Kev anymore,
And they said "What! Fuckin' what?!"
Gotta call me Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass
Changed my name a bit since I seen you's last,
But I ain't changed I just changed me name,
To Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass.

You see I ran into this Arab bloke in London,
He was drivin' a cab at the time,
Bit of a fender bender in the car park
And look, no one was hurt and we were both fine,
Yep just a bit of a scratch and that was that,
And, really no one was to blame,
So instead'a gettin' the coppers involved 
We agreed to exchange names,
"What? Fuckin' what?!" 
Swapped mine for Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass
Changed my name with him since I seen you's last,
But I ain't changed I just changed me name,
To Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass.

So if you see an Arab cabbie in London,
With a funny little thingy on his head,
And he's playin' camel music in his mini-cab,
That'd be him, that'll be him, that'll be Kev,
So slip him a tip if you think of it,
When he drops you off where you gotta go,
Then give him a decent slap on the back and say
"Mohammed says hello",
Then he says "What? Fucking what?
My new friend, Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass
He calls me Kev, funny bastard,
Hope he's liking his new name, 
Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass.

Mohammed Arkmahr Lickmahass".