When I was young 
Saw football games 
At the great big stadium 
Could tell the fans 
From out of town 
By the clown suits they had on 

20, 000 red cowboy hats 
Means cornhuskers to you 
Mickey Mouse beans 
With tiger ears 
Shows you cheer ol' Mizzou 
Let's not forget the Razorbacks 
From the U. of Arkansas 
With plastic pig snouts 
On their heads 
Soooooeeeeeeing, "How 'bout them Hawgs?" 

That's mascot mania 

I work all week 
At a job I hate 
Where everything goes wrong 
Weekends what I live for 
To your church I belong 

I cross the street in San Francisco 
When a chump comes out of a bar 
Yelling "Forty-fuckin-Niners, man" 
With his gold and red jacket on 

In Cleveland, throwing dog biscuits 
Shows how much you love them Browns 
While Bronco fans just hang their heads 
When the Superbowl comes around 

Raider jacket dollars 
Got the White Sox wearin Black 
Statues of Joe Paterno 
Sold in gift shops at Penn State 

That's mascot mania 

Don't make fun of religious rituals 
In any place 
Lord help you if you laugh 
While they do this with a straight face 

Outside of the United States 
It gets even more bizarre 
In Tokyo they got a baseball team 
They call the Carp 

The Salmonbellies are the pride 
Of New Westminster B.C. 
C'mon Greg Werkman, what's a Hoosier? 
And why do they throw chairs? 

When Sudbury Ontario's 
Hockey team scores a goal 
They drag a stuffed wolf 
Across the ice 
A fan shot at it once, ya know 

That's mascot mania 

Blue Streak 
Horned Frogs 
Long Horns 
Trojans 

Someone better tell Tipper Gore 
About the names of these here teams 

Tar Heals 
Gamecocks 
Blue Devils 
Crimson Tide 

Real Indians 
Sick of Redskins 
And Tomahawk chops 

It seems to me 
That to stay mean 
These names should change with time 

The New York Muggers 
Detroit Murders 
And Chicago Mob 

Boston Bigots 
Texas Swindlers 
And the L.A. Cops 

Miami Drugs 
New Jersey Dumps 
Take on the Denver Smog 

Seattle Fads 
New Orleans Hoods 
Milwaukee Cannibals 

San Diego Jarheads 
And the Arizona Drought 

That's mascot mania 

Go, Carp, go! 
Salmonbellies rule! 
Hit 'em harder Cops! 
But, a hockey team called The Mighty Ducks? 

Head explode when Dallas Oswalds 
Meet Washington Bribes 
Home team band plays Cop Killer 
When L.A. comes to town 

Pittsburgh Polluters 
Houston Drive-Bys 
Don't stir near the fear 

When the Florida Abortion Bombers 
Meet the San Francisco Queers 

That's mascot mania 

Anywhere you go 
The games the same old thing 
Bet your money on the Bribes 
They always win