Someone ate all the Christmas cookies that my wife baked for the party
She got so mad at me and said, "Can't you control yourself?"
I said, "It wasn't me," and she said, "Who else could it be?"
And I said, "I bet it was that crazy elf"
Just think about the things that rascal does while we're all sleeping
Look at him with that guilty grin just sitting on the shelf
Last night, someone left a half-drunk bottle of Jack Daniels on the table
And I bet it was the elf
That crazy elf
On the shelf
Yesterday on the counter
Made snow angels out of powdered sugar
And left quite the mess
And today
That crazy elf
Look at him squatting in a coffee mug, pretending it's a toilet
Pinching off a Hershey's Kiss
Like, just this afternoon, UPS dropped off a package
Well, look at that, a thousand-dollar handbag from Chanel
And when I asked my wife about it, she just shrugged her shoulders and said
"I bet it was the elf"
Well, if he's been shopping for my wife, what else has he been doing?
'Cause someone in this house is gambling on the NFL
And I never would've lost $500 on the Titans
It had to be that crazy elf
Now, this is getting out of hand, 'cause I just heard from my son's teacher
He's been telling dirty jokes that even sailors shouldn't tell
Then she said, "You won't believe where he said he heard 'em"
I said, "I bet it was the elf"
That crazy elf
On the shelf
When he's gone in January, we'll have no one else to blame here but ourselves
Like your mother's broken Christmas vase that till now was a mystery
My old sweatshirt that you hated didn't throw away itself
Just remember, if you ever go and check my browser history
It had to be that crazy elf
Hey, where's the plunger?
I bet it was that crazy elf
On the shelf
That crazy elf
