(enters bearing documents and a plaque) Please hello, America back Commodore Perry send hello Also comes memorial plaque President Fillmore wish bestow Emperor read our letter? If no Commodore Perry very sad Emperor like our letter? If so Commodore Perry very merry President Fillmore still more glad Last time we visit, too short This time we visit for slow Last time we come, come with warships Now with more ships — Say hello! This time request use of port Port for commercial intention Harbor with ample dimension But you can't — Only one Little port For a freighter But you can't — Just for fun Be a sport Maybe later — But we bring many recent invention: Kerosene And cement And a grain Elevator A machine You can rent Called a "train" — — Maybe later — — Also cannon to shoot Big loud salute Like so: (Explosion) Say hello! (Explosion. Abe takes pen and signs document.) Treaty meet approval? If no Commodore Perry very fierce Disregard confusion below: President Fillmore now named Pierce Good! At last agreement is made Letter will let us come again First result of mutual trade: Commodore getting letter letting Councillor getting fancy pen! Goodbye (Bows; Abe bows back.) Goodbye Goodbye (Bows; Admiral bows back.) Goodbye Goodbye Please goodbye (Bows; Abe bows back.) (appearing suddenly) Hello! (to Abe) Goodbye (Bows; the British Admiral bows in greeting; Abe is confused, bows halfway between them.) Hello, please! Goodbye (All three bow again.) Please Hello, I come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria Who, learning how you're trading now, sang "Hallelujah, Gloria!" And sent me to convey to you her positive euphoria As well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia (offers a tin of tea to Abe) The man has come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria As well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia Tea? For drink I see I thank you I think Her letters do contain a few proposals to your Emperor Which if, of course, he won't endorse, will put in her in a temper or More happily, should he agree, will serve to keep her placid, or At least till I am followed by a permanent ambassador A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador And more Her Majesty considers the arrangements to be tentative Until we ship a proper diplomatic representative We don't foresee that you will be the least bit argumentative So please ignore the man-of-war we brought as a preventative (explosion) Yes, please ignore the man-of-war That's anchored rather near the shore It's nothing but a metaphor That acts as a preventative (explosion) All clear? Just so Sign here Hello, hello, objection resent! President Pierce say "Moment's pause." British get ambassador sent President Pierce get extra clause (appearing suddenly) Wait! Please hello! Don't forget the Dutch! Like to keep in touch! Thank you very much! Tell them to go Button up the lips What do little Nips Want with battleships? Hold everything! We gonna bring Chocolate! Wouldn' you like to lease A beautiful little piece Of chocolate? Listen, that's not to mention Wonderful — pay attention! — Windmills Und tulips (gives Abe a tulip) Und wouldn' you like a wooden shoe? (gives Abe documents) There — can you read? Good! We will need Two ports One of them not to rocky How about Nagasaki? Two ports One of them for the cocoa What do you call it? — Yoko Hama! Ja! Und Nagasaki! Ja! Sign here! (Dances, making semaphore signals to the sea. Another explosion.)Wait please, objection again! Dutch getting to many seaports President now wanting three ports Great Britain wishes her position clear and indisputable: We're not amused at being used and therefore stand immutable And though you Japs are foxy chaps and damnably inscrutable (appearing suddenly) Please hello… Wait, please hello! Comes the monkey wrench! Smell that awful stench: Probably the French—Also insist giving free ports——Reviewing it from where we sit, the facts are irrefutable — Please hello… Ach, nein, of course My mistake, the Czar Smell the caviar— Leave the door ajar—Also want annual reports——And thus, in short, a single port is patently unsuitable! Please hello Is bringing Czar's request Braving snow With letter to protest: Since we know You trading with the West You might at least (Don't touch the coat!) Start looking East— (thinking about it) —Or closer West— (thinking again) —Well, farther North— (looking around) Are we the fourth? I feel depressed (Don't touch the coat!) Coming next Is extraterritoriality Noting text Say "extraterritoriality." You perplexed By "extraterritoriality"? (points) Just noting clause (Don't touch the coat!) Which say your laws Do not apply (Don't touch the coat!) When we drop by— Not getting shot No matter what: A minor scrape A major rape And we escape (Don't touch the cape!) That's what is extraterritoriality Fair is fair— You wish perhaps to vote? What we care You liking what we wrote? (points to sea) Sitting there Is finest fleet afloat Observing boat? (explosion) Don't touch the coat (explosion) Just sign the noteThe British feel these latest dealings verge on immorality The element of precedent imperils our neutrality We're rather vexed, your giving extraterritoriality We must insist you offer this to every nationality! We want the same What the Russkies claim! Why you let them came? Dirty rotten shame! U.S.A. extremely upset! President Pierce say solid "No!" (appearing suddenly) 'Allo! — Please 'allo! Please 'allo! 'Allo! 'Allo! 'Allo! (blows them all a kiss) I bring word, I bring word From Napoleon ze Third. 'E 'ad 'eard what 'ave occured 'ere From ze little bird! Undeterred, we conferred Though we felt zat we'd been slurred And ze verdict was he spurred Me 'ere to bring ze word! Would you like to know ze word From Napoleon ze Third? (shoves bundle of papers at Abe) It's détente! Oui, détente! Zat's ze only thing we want! Just détente! Oooh, détente! No agreement could be more fair! Signing pacts, passing acts Zere's no time for making warfare When you're always busy making wiz ze Mutual détente! (blows another kiss) A détente! A détente Is ze only thing we wish! Same as zem, except additional Ze rights to fish! You'll be paid, you'll be paid And we'll 'ave ze big parade If we somehow can persuade You to accept our aid (gestures to the sea — tiny explosion) It is not to be afraid … (another one) As we merely wish to trade … (the biggest explosion yet) A détente! Oui, détente! Zat's ze only thing we want! Leave ze grain, leave ze train Put champagne among your imports! Tell each man zat Japan Can't be bothered giving him ports While she's in a tizzy Dizzy wiz ze Mutual détente! It is late And I fear — Well, you see There's a famine … Could you wait For a year? We'll agree to Examine It A détente! A détente! Zat's ze only thing we want! (Everybody sings simultaneously, squabbling with each other.) (to each in turn) — But lat- Er, I fear There's a drought And a famine … If you wait For a year Then no doubt We'll examine It, but we've Had a quake And a flood And a famine … Please believe We will take It to stud- Y, examine It, but please If you'll wait For a year … There's a famine … Just détente! Oooh, détente! No agreement could be more fair! Signing pacts, passing acts Zere's no time for making warfare Why discuss, make ze fuss Since ze West belongs to us? And ze East we have leased for ze French administration If you want force in ze Norce Zen we burn ze Dutch legation Wait please hello! Don't forget the Dutch! We want just as much Fishing rights and such! Tell them to go Otherwise we post Battleships at most Ports along the coast You can have the West We will take the rest One moment, please, I think that these assure us exclusivity For Western ports and other sorts of maritime activity And if you mean to intervene, as is the Dutch proclivity We'll blow you nits to little bits, with suitable festivity Wait please, hello, West is ours Wait please, the East is the best coast We'll trade you two on the West coast Please hello, no seaports on the West United States too near to Czar Is tempting fates, is go too far — (Don't touch the coat!) Ah, détentes! Ah, détentes! They're what everybody wants! You should want a détente — Makes a nation like a brother! We'll be here every year To protect you from each other And to see you aren't Signing foreign Treaties and détentes! Please hello! We must go But our intercourse will grow Through détente, as détente Brings complete cooperation By the way, we must say We adore your little nation And with heavy cannon Wish you an un- Ending please hello!!!